Dear Doorly Doctor: The (first) sex issue
We asked a legit sex therapist to answer your stickiest reader questions. (If you’re keen to have your dilemma answered, send your reader questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
Q: I’m dating a fantastic guy. He’s caring and I’m attracted to him in every way – until we sleep together. He’s just not technically skilled in the sex department and I end up bored and unsatisfied. is there any *realistic* hope for improvement? – Just whelmed, 27, Perth
A: “There’s always hope for improvement for one’s sexual technique skill set,” says Pamela Supple, Sydney-based sex therapist at Sex Therapy Australia. “Remember: It’s the way you breach the subject, not with accusations but with confidence and knowledge that working together this way can lead you both to great sexual connections that you are very satisfied.”
But given that no one likes to feel they are inadequate in this area, breaching this topic with a partner can be tricky. Supple recommends:
- Letting them know right in the beginning of the relationship that you have specific wants need and desires, and would love to share that with them.
- If they are confused about how to do something or uncomfortable talking about sex, “acknowledge this but remember that’s them, not you; don’t feel guilty or shy about speaking up,” says Supple.
- Discuss what it is that you want to try or have done to you, and “try it and give feedback when they are doing this,” Supple says. She also recommends that you give direction. (“Not point form, a-b-c style of direction, that’s a real mood killer,” she adds: Use some tact, and try positive reinforcement.)
- Supple also suggests looking at technique YouTube videos together of real life couples engaging in techniques that are about what you want, or even watching feminist porn sites produced by Erica Lust or Gala Vanting from Melbourne. “The range of videos covers all types of scenarios that you may want to learn how to do or learn how to be more assertive as a partner,” Supple says. “Their videos are real life couples of all shapes and sizes and sexualities being well treated and well paid in the process of filming them.”